My Sick Addiction

The Gophers drive me crazy.

I should confess on the front end that, against all rhyme or reason, the Gophers are the one team I follow obsessively. I read the message boards. I follow the recruiting news. I hum the Rouser at least 87 times a day at work. I talk about them constantly with my friends and family (probably to the point of annoyance). I’ll even read Sid Hartman’s columns in the hopes of garnering some previously unknown Gopher tidbit.

It’s sick, I know.

Most people in this town follow the Vikings; “Purple Pride” as the saying goes. Not me. Maybe it’s because I’m a U of M alum, maybe its our family tradition of interest in and support for the U, maybe it’s the colors. Whatever it is, my sporting consciousness is completely enchanted by the Maroon & Gold.

But this season…*shudder*.

I think this season can be best summed up by an exchange I had with my dad during the Maroon & Gold’s game against NDSU (yes, mighty division II North Dakota States). The Gophs were trailing at the end of the first half when I got a phone call from Dad. “Hello?” I said, unprepared for the storm about the be unleashed by Dad, “Why the hell isn’t Mason playing Justin Valentine?!?!” he sputtered, “the kid was a 4 star recruit of Ohio and is a beast of a blocker running out of an I. I don’t even see him on the sideline. I guaranty if Mason puts him in we smash right down the field and score, there’s no way their linebackers can stop him. Do you think the Mafia whacked him and he’s in the Mississippi right now? Should I call the boats? Is he auditioning for Dancing With the Stars? What the hell is happening here?!?!?”

The third quarter rolled around with neither team scoring, again the call. “Hello?” “I just don’t understand it, why aren’t we running I formation? You’re telling me that running behind Valentine, Pinnix doesn’t hang 300 yards on these guys? I don’t think I can watch much more of this. Mason makes me hate knowing anything about football.”

In the fourth quarter, Mason finally puts in Justin Valentine, our talented fullback, and the Golden Gophers march right down the field and score. Within five minutes, I get the call. “Hello?” I said, which was answered with a simple, yet poetic: “I hate Glen Mason.”

That about sums it up.

The Gophers, I have come to realize, are the ultimate tease. They show glimpses of brilliance that inspire the hope that maybe, just maybe, this is the year the program will finally turn around, but inevitably follow it up by reaching down their fan’s throats and ripping their collective guts out one painful inch at time. Sometimes it’s just too much for me to bear and I’ll swear the rodents off for good, only to stagger back to them like a hopeless heroine addict, covered in needle marks labeled Michigan 2003, Wisconsin 2005, Purdue 2001, Michigan 2004…

I just don’t understand Glen Mason this year; he has completely mismanaged this team. First, he has a quarterback who is a fairly accurate passer but who gets frustrated and begins making mistakes once he gets dinged once or twice. Second, he has a big, but not overly mobile, offensive line that is mostly comprised of first year starters. Third, he has one of the best receiving corps in the Big Ten including Matt “Mr. Tough Guy” Spaeth, Logan “I OWN AJ Hawk” Payne (by far my favorite player on the team), Erick “Why throw it to me? I only catch everything” Decker, and Ernie “I’d drop the ball even if you hit me in the face with it” Wheelwright. Fourth, Mason has strong, though not overly quick/shifty running backs in Jay Thomas, Amir Pinnix, Justin Valentine, and (don’t even get me started on this one) Alex Daniels. What do you do offensively with this scenario?

Obviously you do two things. First, run Cupito (the QB) out of a shotgun. We all know he turns into a bigger nut-job than Dudley the Pearson’s Nut Roll spokesman once he gets hit once or twice, so you have to give him the most time possible make his throws. Second, run the ball straight ahead out the I-formation since it will allow the offensive line to use their natural strength (size) and utilize one of the most potent weapons on the team, Justin Valentine and his nasty blocking.

But what does Mason do? He has Cupito snap the ball under center and runs the same zone-blocking scheme with the offensive line that he has been running for the past 4 years with a completely different team! Of course he does! This has led to Cupito being sacked a career high 15 times this season (up from 3 last year) and the team’s lowest rushing yards total since 1998. Thank you Glen Mason!

Ugh, I need to stop thinking about this for tonight…